A Pensive Saturday Morning

This will be disjuntled. I think I just made up that word. I think it's close to the actual word that it's supposed to be, but I can't think of it. You think that as an English major I'd be able to think of the word, and if I couldn't, I would find an appropriate substitute instead of making up something that I hope people would just understand.

Anyway, thoughts this morning, that's it. Maybe a picture of Tanner that I took this morning that turned out cute, if I can figure out how to load pictures onto this stupid computer upstairs that has all the ports on the back of the tower. My pregnant belly is making some moving uncomfortable already, and I still have four months to go.

Which brings me to the beginning of this pensive stream of thoughts. Yup, four months to go. Probably a few days less with the induction having been planned at my last visit. I'm due March 9, can be induced as early as the 2, and will do it whenever Bonnie or Kate are on call in the Birthing Center. Probably some time between Wednesday and Saturday. I'm excited to have this little guy. I am feeling him move more now, which is wonderful. It's momentarily sad to think that I won't feel any more babies inside me after this one, but then I think of what it would mean to really have another child, and the sadness is instantly replaced with a sense of peace and relief. I'm ready to be done with the uncertainty, chemicals and other stress that comes with having babies.

Sara, Cedar and I went to IKEA this week. I found the curtains I want for the boys' room. I bought a super cute lime green crib for baby. They were out of white, which is why I got it, but now I am excited that I got a colored one. Tan and baby (Tayton or Bridger, whichever we choose), will be sharing the office, and the office will be moved into Tanner's room. It'll be just fine. Weird to have kids sharing rooms, but just fine. Tanner is excited to share a room with his baby brother, and he sleeps like a rock. So I'm not worried about it disrupting him during the night. I could vacuum, sing and dance in his room when he is asleep and he'd never be the wiser.

I feel and feel like I look about six months pregnant instead of five. Whatever, who cares, right? I tell myself not to worry about what I look like. It's pregnant! It is what it is. And it'll be over in four months and I'd rather enjoy it than obsess about it. The constant inner struggle of Annie.

My brain is doing great. I can tell because I forget to take my medicine sometimes. Stupid, right? You'd think that I'd be 100% on top of it every day at the same time to prevent and crappiness from creeping in. When I am struggling I take it every day at the same time, praying it will work. But because I feel normal, I forget, which is fine, as long as I remember soon enough.

We found out this morning that a man from church was in an ATV accident and is paralyzed. He has five kids. That'll sober you up quicker than anything. I cried when Ryon told me. His poor, sweet family. They'll definitely be in our prayers for a long time. I told Ryon that I'm sorry if I am a stinky wife about things like four wheelers and such, but this is why. He says he knows and feels the same way. I am so grateful for my family, all of them, and I pray for their safety every day. I am thankful for the eternal nature of our existence, for the Atonement, and that we will all be resurrected and our spirits and bodies will be united as a whole being after we die.

Ryon is finishing the deck today. FINISHING! It will be done. I'll definitely post about it. It's been the project of projects around here. I am so excited that it'll be finished so that we can use it, and so I can have my husband back in the evenings and weekends. He's spent hours and hours out there. We both wish he'd done more in the summer, but the design took a lot longer than we thought, and because I got pregnant and had such a hard time at about seven weeks, he couldn't really leave me alone to go and work. But he is almost there. Hopefully it will suffice so that we can stay in this house until I finish school.

This house . . . we really enjoy it. It's just great for us right now. Ryon is so close to work, which is fabulous for my being in school. At times it bugs me that we don't have our own house anymore, but I think that is just my idealism creeping in. If there is one thing I learned from our old house (which my Dad told me before we purchased it, but I had to really learn it for myself) is that purchasing a home needs to be for the long term. And we are just not in a position to make a long-term decision right now for our family. I need to get into the program, we are having this baby, Ryon's job is going well now, but he doesn't know for sure how much room there is to grow there, are we ultimately going to end up in Colorado, are we going to settle here? So buying a home is low on the priority list. I just get annoyed when people tell me, "Homes are really cheap right now." "It's a great time to buy." "Wouldn't you rather your money going to a payment rather than to rent?" Do you think I don't think of these things?? Of course I know. But we need to make the right choice for our family. And the stress of me being in school full time coming up, renting is just plain a better choice for us. So I wish I didn't feel the little bit of push to own our own home again. I know Ryon doesn't care at all. He just says that when the time is right we'll do it again. And we'll hopefully be making more money by then anyway and can do a 15 year loan and more than make up any time we've lost renting. My dad tells me not to let a house get in the way of doing what we need to do as a family. And right now that is affording school for me, for Tan and C, and childcare for baby when I head into the program. It's expensive, but it's what we want to do. So I am so grateful for this house we have to live in. I love it, and I just need to not worry about how I sometimes think things "should" be. You'd think I'd be over that inner struggle, but nope.

Ryon and I leave for our cruise on Friday morning. We have to be at the airport at 4:30. As far as we are concerned, our vacation from responsibility begins Friday at 4:30 a.m. There is something about being kid-free that makes anything a vacation. Walking through the airport without my children is wonderful. I have my carry-on on wheels and . . . oh, that's it! Just me and the suitcase that I can fit everything into! How lovely! Makes everything enjoyable. Baggage check? A pleasure! Security? Bring it on! Sitting at the gate, who needs a cruise when I can get that 45 minutes of peace?! Well, I won't go that far, but still, I am thrilled for Spence to drop us off and to say goodbye to real life for nine days. Do I miss my kids when I go? Nope. I know they are perfectly safe and happy with Grandma, and I'm going to be with them for the rest of my life when I get back, so, nope. They cross my mind every day, but that's about it! People couldn't believe I left my seven-month-old baby girl to go on a cruise a couple years ago. I'd do it again in a heart beat. I am so blessed to have a wonderful mother and mother-in-law who are such fabulous grandmothers. I couldn't do it without knowing my kids were perfectly taken care of.

Well, I think I've gotten a bunch out this morning. Bless you if you are still reading. :) Seriously. Sometimes I don't even read my own writing because it just goes on and on. But we are all doing well. We love each other and work hard to have a nice, Christ-centered life together. I love my family and my Savior. Until next time, enjoy the autumn season!