Two Down, One to Go

I wish I didn't think like this in terms of having my babies. But with what pregnancy hormones and chemicals do to my brain, I can't help it. Eight weeks pregnant and already dealing with the crap that started after having Tanner. Are you kidding me? I have been on my medicine since I was seven months pregnant with Cedar and have had my life back for two years. It took six weeks of intensified symptoms for the medicine to really kick in and start working (and if I hadn't felt the spirit so strongly while Dr. Larsen was telling me about the medicine I would have gotten off it, those six weeks were so terrible), but after that, I started to feel like myself again! It has been wonderful. I've been Annie and have been able to live my life day to day with no interference with my brain symptoms.

So of course I was very excited to find out we were expecting baby number three! We were planning on being discrete with it for a while, just to slide into the idea and transition smoothly, but starting in week 7, my floating and thinking obsessions started out of nowhere. I know it is the pregnancy hormones. And now I am having to push myself through the actions of the day again, and push thoughts out of my mind. Sigh. I just can't handle it this time. I have an appointment with my Dr. this week, and hopefully he will simply increase my dosage and I will get better. I don't know what else to do. I cannot live like this again, especially with two kids, one of who is so much work right now.

So basically I am just voicing my experience and asking for prayers and support. I asked the primary president yesterday to find a temporary substitute for my Sunbeam class while I try to get on top of things. She was wonderfully understanding and sweet to me and had one lined up for 8 weeks by last night. I so appreciated that. I know it seems like a small thing, but that class is a lot of work and can be stressful, and I need the socialization and spiritual uplift from going to class. I haven't had that for a long time now.

I just want to enjoy this pregnancy. It is most likely my last, and I don't want to have to simply endure it and wonder how much worse it is going to get when the baby gets here. Please let the medicine just keep working and let me be me.