So here is the meat of my thoughts. Being a writer, my tendency is to rewrite, rewrite, rewrite. Make it better. Edit the content, and therefore edit the meaning somehow. But I'm not going to do it. I'm going to spew. In school they called it the "blood essay" method. It won't be a real blood essay because I won't be going into the deepest of Annie, but it'll be real. It'll be deep enough.
C is about to turn two in April. I am scheduled to start my hygiene program a year from September. Ryon and I want to have one more baby before I start the program. We don't want to put off kids for it. If I got pregnant right now my baby would be nine months old when I started the program. Hmmm. Cedar would be 3 1/2. Tanner would be in first grade, so it would be totally fine for him. But nine months?
Okay, and nine months wouldn't even be that bad, but I have HUGE reservations about getting pregnant right now because I weigh about ten lbs. less that what I weighed when I delivered C. That kills me. I so do not want to get pregnant at this weight. But I've had the time to lose it and I haven't done it. Yes, school is extremely stressful, which has what has made it hard to focus on losing, because I don't want to neglect my family at all, and after school and family, I have less than the motivation I need to exercise. Which is so not me! I have been an avid worker-outer for as long as I can remember. But I've never been a full time mommy, student and wifey, house keeper (if I can even call myself that) at the same time before, and I feel like I have just let my physical health make the sacrifice. I totally eat when I am stressed. I need to break those habits.
So I would need at least three months to get to a place where I feel like I could get pregnant, and then I'd be putting a six month old in childcare while I am in the program. Blaaa. But if the childcare were good enough . . . I don't know. I know some people would freak at the idea of putting their kids in childcare like that, but I can't think about that, because I can't care what others think. I need to do what is best for my family.
I'm thinking about starting a blog about the verbal abuse I endured while I was in junior high and the impact it has had on my life since. I still have issues from it, and I need to resolve it. I've talked about it some with Ryon and my sister and mom, but I feel like I just need to face this monster that has settled itself into my being. The virtual audience does make me uncomfortable at this point. But if given the time, would I write a book about it? Absolutely. So what is the difference? Nothing. And I wouldn't have the pressure needing to produce refined writing. We'll see. I'm sure there are more people out there that could benefit from my giving my feelings a voice than I could even imagine.
I don't expect comments on the baby thing, but I absolutely welcome them. The point was to get my thoughts out of isolation in my brain and onto paper. I did talk to Ryon and my mom some, but I still feel like I get it out better when I let my fingers do the talking.
If you're still reading, thank you for your endurance and friendship. Or maybe I just amuse you. :) I amuse myself, or at least I just make myself shake my head at myself.
Anyway, thoughts later, I feel a tad better. I honestly just don't know the best thing to do. Maybe there isn't a "best". Maybe there is just a "do".
6 comments:
I have always been of one belief for my life which is not the same as others. For me there is never really a best, just a do. No matter how hard I pray or how hard I fast, I strongly believe that there are many options that not only would we be happy with, but the Lord would be happy with as well. It is hard to know what the best is and sometimes you just have to go with your gut and run with it.
I as well know about going through things you just haven't been able to get over. I had an experience in high school that I rarely talk about. I have spoken with Scott and my mom and a few others, but it is hard to get over things like abuse and move on. It has hindered me into our marriage and I thank Scott everyday for being a trooper. I think it is great to write things out...which is probably why I write about finding myself so much. Sometimes I feel so caught up in what I am "supposed to be" which is defined by everybody else but me. It is hard to let go of that, and I know much of it is a Utah mentality, but I am always striving to find my passions again and be opinionated.
Good for you for getting it out. I always do much better in writing then I do face to face. This probably gives you more insight to me as well...which just so you know, I look forward to you coming in April.
Annie, the more I have gotten to know you, the more I understand why Scott looks up to you as much as he does. Your happiness and well being is very important to us both. I want you to know that I am always there for you and in so many ways I think we are a lot a like. I look forward to our friendship (sistership?? relationship??) growing and becoming close as we talk and continue to let each other in and share insights that will help us grow. Continue writing....
I love you. Keep going.
Sorry for my novel :)
Not sure what I could write after Melissa, very well said. Just know that the Lord loves you and will give you direction when needed. By following his path for you (as Melissa said, there can be many), you will be greatly blessed and it will all work out! That is not to say it won't be hard but it will be do-able and will all work out in the end. I love you very much and am always here to help or talk!!!
Well, if you head in a direction and it really isn't the right thing, the Lord will let you know before you get too far. Trust in Him.
I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I wanted you to know that I do read your blog and read this last post. Big decisions are always hard! good luck.
I always love your writing. The great thing about big decisions like these is that Heavenly Father is there and willing to let us know if the choice we are making is correct. I've always admired your ambition. You will make the decision that is right for you family, trust in that and trust in the Lord. Love you lots and lots.
I think you should try and think of one decision at a time....go with it and let the Lord change the direction if it isn;t right. You are worthy of His blessings and you will receive them. Love you...
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